


Honey They Shrunk The Sheriff

by blackgoliath



Category: Eureka
Genre: Gen, M/M, little bit of gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 13:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackgoliath/pseuds/blackgoliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carter is shrunk by a shrinky doohickey and Nathan is overjoyed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honey They Shrunk The Sheriff

When Jack woke up that morning and immediately fell off the bed, banging his knee on the floor and bringing his hand down on an errant plug, he knew that it was gonna be one of _those_ days. 

He wasn't disappointed.

"Help! HEEEEELP!" Jack cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled as loudly as he could, trying to catch Allison's attention. Normally this wouldn't be a difficult thing to do, but now she looked about four stories tall, along with everybody else who was in the room. Jack was standing on a counter which just moments before had come up to about waist-height - the last thing he remembered was a brilliant flash of light, and now everything around him seemed to have gotten a lot bigger.

"Carter?" Allison's voice boomed as she turned toward him, leaning down until she was eye level. "Are you okay?" Jack grimaced and held up his hands, trying not to be blown away by the force of her voice.

"You don't have to shout, you know!"

"Sorry." She was much quieter now, and Jack realized with a jolt that she hadn't been shouting; that had been her normal volume, and now she was whipering. Henry, Nathan Stark and the scientist they'd been visiting - some guy named Crusher - all gathered around and peered down at him.

"I think you guys got bigger!" Jack yelled. 

"Actually," Henry said slowly, glancing at Allison. The two of them shared a look that Jack decided he definitely didn't like. "You've been shrunk, Jack."

"What?!"

"He's right, Sheriff." Stark's face was split with one of his signature grins. "You should see your face right now - anybody got a camera?"

Allison shot Stark a Look. "We're going to fix this, Jack. I promise."

"Why don't you sound very convinced?" Jack asked, dread solidifying like a weight in the pit of his stomach. Henry, Stark and Allison all turned slowly to Dr. Crusher, who adopted a sheepish smile and swallowed hard.

"Um, well, the thing is--" he began, and Jack didn't wait for him to finish before groaning; he already knew how this was going to end. "When my device, um, backfired, well, it kind of...broke."

"It _broke_? Are you _serious_?" Jack threw up his hands. "How long will it take to fix?"

"I bet we could get him a job at Disneyworld," Nathan said idly, his grin not slipping in the slightest when Allison frowned at him. "What? You don't think he'd make the perfect Minnie Mouse?"

"It shouldn't take us too long to fix, Carter. You'll be good as new in no time," Henry reassured him, unconvincingly. "There's just one small problem--"

"Of _course_ there is. Don't you eggheads ever do anything the easy way?"

"--There was a power surge just before Dr. Crusher's device backfired, and we're not sure if it has anything to do with your, uh, problem."

"But I'm going to fix it, Sheriff, don't you worry!" The high level of false cheeriness in Dr. Crusher's tone did not console Jack at all. "You'll be back to normal before you know it!" 

"I'm sure I will be," Jack grumbled, too quietly for any of them to hear. He followed that up with a shouted, "I have to pick Zoe up from school at four o'clock, so you better fix me before that!"

"If we haven't figured this out by then, I'll pick Zoe up myself," Allison offered, and Jack's heart swelled. He kept that to himself, though.

"Just stay here, Jack. We'll have this all figured out in a jiffy." Henry was trying to sound like he had it all in the bag, but the effect was ruined when the melted heap of metal behind him - what had once been, Jack figured, the shrink ray or whatever ridiculously complicated name they used for it - gave off a couple of sparks, a small fire erupting near the top. Dr. Crusher hurried over to pat it out while Allison and Henry exchanged looks again. Yup, this day was definitely going about as badly as he'd expected it to.

"I trust you two will figure this out," Stark said as he straightened up. "But really, don't rush yourselves. This size suits him."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean!" Jack wailed, but Allison and Henry were already crossing the room to help Dr. Crusher fix his invention. Jack crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. There was a truckload of paperwork waiting for him back at the station; Jo was probably wondering where he was by now, if she hadn't taken to cleaning their guns in her spare time (when Jo started cleaning a gun it was like she was transported to another world; nothing Jack had ever tried would get her out of her intense, almost meditative-like state of concentration). He'd only come here because Allison had asked, 'just in case something went wrong'. He should've known better by now. Jack had been in Eureka for several months, and he was a detective - how was it he _still_ got himself into these situations, even when all the signs pointed to something stupid and horrible happening?

He'd started looking around for a place to sit and make himself comfortable while the big brains worked (that dry ink pad looked like it might make an okay seat) when something large and black surrounded him, cutting him off completely from Allison and Henry. He yelled in protest and banged his tiny fists against his prison, to no avail. He was just realizing that the darkness around him was kind of squishy when his environment changed - with another yell, he was dropped into a pitch-black hole, landing on a silky surface covered in soft pillows. It took him a minute for his brain to acknowledge that the pillows were actually balls of lint.

"Hey!" he shouted, glaring up at the tiny sliver to light above him, too far away for him to reach. "Whoever you are, I'm gonna kick your butt so hard your mom'll feel it!" His tirade received no response. Instead Jack felt himself jostled as whoever it was that had kidnapped him started to move ( _I'm in somebody's pocket_ , he realized eventually) and finally when the movement stopped and Jack fell back against a big ball of pocket lint, the same fingers that had taken him in the first place pulled him out and dropped him unceremoniously on a hard desk.

"You're not my pen," Nathan Stark's voice commented lazily from somewhere above him; Jack pushed himself to his feet, rolling his sore shoulder (the one on which he'd landed) and glaring up at the gigantic face above him.

"Duh I'm not you're freakin' pen!" Jack stalked angrily around the desk, allowing himself to push over Stark's pencil holder (it took him a few tries, which was a little embarrassing, but he got it eventually) in revenge. "Bring me back to Crusher's lab so they can fix me!"

"You know, I would," Stark began, pulling up a semi-translucent screen on the desk's surface, easily manipulating the tabs with his fingers, "But I've got a lot of work to do."

"Then call Allison. She'll come get me!"

Stark sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Maybe when I'm done," he said finally, unable to keep the smug smile from curling his lips. Jack wished he was his regular size so he could strangle the guy. "I have to admit, I think I like you at this size. You're just as useless as you usually are, but a lot funnier."

"Ha ha, very funny!" Jack snapped. "Just wait until I'm normal-sized again, I'll shove that shrinky thing up your ass so fast---"

"Shrinky thing? Well, _now_ I'm intimidated." And then Stark started concentrating on whatever it was he was pulling up on his little touch screen desk, completely ignoring Jack, no matter what Jack did to catch his attention. Jack tried jumping up and down on the tabs Stark had opened, tried manipulating them himself, but nothing worked. Apparently, as 'sophisticated' as this thing was, Jack's tiny little hands weren't enough to do anything. 

He was about to try climbing up Stark's shirt and possibly punching him right in the eyeball when Fargo stepped into the office. 

"Director Stark, I wanted to talk to you about something--" Fargo's eyes immediately fell on Jack, and for once Jack was grateful for Fargo's presence. The kid may have been a walking disaster, but nobody could say he wasn't observant when he wanted to be. "Is that Sheriff Carter?"

"Hmm?" Stark looked up from the screen he'd been reading for the past twenty minutes. "Yes, actually. I was running an experiment to see how long it took our beloved Sheriff to collapse from exhaustion."

"I'll show you exhaustion!" Jack screamed ineffectively.

"I was also thinking he might make a great new mascot for Massive Dynamics. What do you think?"

"Um." Fargo stared down at Jack, his expression a swirl of confusion as Jack tried to mime out what he wanted. _Call Allison_ , Jack mouthed, waving his arms in the air. Fargo's face remained blank.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Carter would make a horrible mascot anyway." Jack started to protest that no, he'd make a _great_ mascot, but realized how stupid that would sound before the words came out and quickly snapped his mouth shut. He didn't, however, keep from shouting profanities when one of Stark's fingertips pressed down on the top of his head, effectively ruffling his hair playfully while also violently shaking his body from side to side. 

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, I, uh--" Fargo's gaze was still stuck on Jack, who was making very exaggerated and angry faces. "It was about my current assignment, sir--"

To Jack's immeasurable relief it was that moment that Allison walked into the office, mouth set in a thin line and shoulders straight. To Jack it was like watching his princess in shining armor come to his rescue.

"Nathan," she said, crossing her arms irritably, asking what she wanted though her body language made it clear that she already knew the answer, "Have you seen Sheriff Carter?"

"Yes I have." Stark picked Jack up by the back of his uniform, ignoring any cries for help and flailing Jack did as he was held aloft over Stark's desk, "He's right here."

"And _what_ is he doing here when he should be in Dr. Crusher's lab?"

"I mistook him for a pen," Stark replied with a shrug. He held Jack out for her to take. "How's your repairs of Dr. Crusher's invention going?"

"We're working on it." Allison's answer was sharp and brief, which made Jack's rising hopes sink again. That wasn't the answer he'd been looking for. Stark dropped Jack into Allison's outstretched hand and it was only through a tuck and roll that Jack didn't break his leg; he didn't know how things worked when he was this size but the distance between Stark's stupid fingers and Allison's palm looked big enough to cause serious damage if he tried to land on his feet. Allison, thankfully, left without another word, and Jack waited until they'd left Stark's office - not, of course, without a lingering smirk from the jerkface himself - before he allowed himself to relax.

"Thank you," he yelled up to Allison as she made her way through Massive Dynamic's halls, back to Dr. Crusher's lab. "The guy's a tyrant!"

"I'm sure he didn't mean to pick you up," Allison replied, though she didn't sound like she believed it. 

"No, I'm pretty sure he did! But we'll see who gets the last laugh, I'll show him--" The last bit was mostly to himself, but he was still shouting as he said it, which meant Allison heard him and he had to cower beneath the sharp glance his grumbling earned.

"Nathan is trying just as hard as any of us to get you back to normal." Jack decided not to point out that he really thought Stark would be completely happy if Jack stayed this way forever; instead he kept his mouth shut for once in his life and plopped down on his butt on Allison's palm, not saying anything else until they reached Dr. Crusher's lab and he was set gently on the same counter he'd found himself on right after being shrunk.

The big molten hunk of metal that had originally made him this way still looked, even after all this time, like a big molten hunk of metal.

"I may not be a scientist but I'm still pretty sure that shrinky doohickey shouldn't look like that!" 

"It's not." Henry had on huge, bug-like goggles when he knelt down by the counter Jack was standing on, his expression apologetic. "But we've almost got it. The power surge supplemented the beam's output, making it more powerful than it was ever supposed to be. Most of your mass appears to have been shunted off into another dimension, and as soon as we figure out how to recreate the situation we should have you back to normal size--"

"You lost me," Jack interrupted loudly. "Just let me know when you're done. Until then I'll be over here, wondering where I went wrong in my life."

Henry smiled, as if Jack had been making a joke, and turned away to join Allison in a discussion about something involving a lot of big words like "quantum string theory" that Jack couldn't understand if his life depended on it. As the minutes ticked by and he tried not to think about what would happen to him if he accidentally got too close to the edge of the counter and fell off, he came to the conclusion that he couldn't decide if waiting here for Henry and Allison or scuttling around Stark's desk while that jerkoff worked on some stupid Section 5 project (or so Jack assumed; in his mind Stark was always working on something military-oriented) was more boring.

He'd just determined that being in Stark's office was worse because at least here he could watch Allison work when Stark himself appeared, all arrogant smiles and ridiculously attractive suits (whoa whoa whoa, where had _that_ thought come from?). 

"Still haven't fixed it yet?" Even from Jack's tiny perspective he could see the way Stark's eyes fell on him, amusement dancing in those greenish-blue irises. "It's 3:30 p.m. I don't think our Sheriff is going to make his deadline."

"Oh, hell," Allison swore, checking her watch. "Henry, can you handle it from here? I'm going to pick up Zoe."

"Bring her straight home, and make sure S.A.R.A.H. knows to have her do her homework!" Jack yelled from the counter top. He had to assume Allison heard him, because she glanced in his direction before hurrying out of the lab, leaving him alone with a busy Henry, a nervous Dr. Crusher, and a still extremely smug Stark.

"Let me know when Dr. Crusher's machine is fixed," Stark called to Henry, who looked back and nodded without a word. He was too invested in the soldering he was doing at the moment. "I know we all want Sheriff Carter back to normal as soon as possible." His voice dripped with its usual cheery sarcasm. "But if you don't fix it, don't worry about it. Sometimes we can only do so much." This time Stark looked straight at Jack, and Jack felt his throat tighten and his stomach do a little flip. It was, obviously, from the righteous anger he felt bubbling in him. If only he was his normal height, he'd knock that smirk right off Stark's dumb handsome face--

Okay, 'handsome' was definitely an adjective he needed to never use again in the same sentence as Nathan Stark.

"I'll be in my office," Stark went on. He made to leave, and this time Jack saw the casual arc Stark's hand made as it swooped straight toward him. Jack tried to run but he tripped over one of those heavy-duty erasers and before he could get up again Stark's hand was closing around him, lifting him up and depositing him in a pants' pocket (Jack could see through the cracks between Stark's fingers this time, and tried to swallow the panic that bubbled up in his throat when Stark's very large, very intimidating crotch approached him at a speed that made him want to try his luck with jumping from Stark's hand to the floor) without a word to Henry or Dr. Crusher. Jack beat his tiny fists against Stark's leg, shouting for someone to get him out of there, channeling all of his willpower into not having a panic attack. Jack wasn't exactly claustrophobic but there were only so many suffocatingly small spaces he could endure in one day without freaking out.

Eventually something must have worked because when he found himself pulled back into the air, the collar of his uniform pinched between two familiar fingers as he was hauled up in front of Stark's face, he could tell by the walls and faces that flashed by that they weren't in the director's office yet.

"Do you ever stop whining?" Stark asked, quietly enough that it didn't blow Jack's eardrums apart. He stubbornly refused to be grateful.

"Not when someone keeps kidnapping me, no!" Jack crossed his arms in midair, completely aware of how stupid he looked with his mouth turned down angrily while he was held, completely against his will, far enough above the floor that he would end up a sheriff pancake if Stark decided to let go.

"Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer... surprise abduction."

"Pretty sure that still means kidnapping!"

"Maybe." Stark grinned and brought his other hand up to pinch Jack's tiny cheek between his fingertips, but because Jack was so small Stark ended up pinching half of Jack's head, which was extremely uncomfortable. "You're just so gosh-darned cute at this size. And that high squeaky voice you've got somehow makes everything you say so much less annoying."

"You think I was annoying before? You've got no idea, pal!" Jack had the distinct feeling that he'd walked into some kind of trap, especially by the way Stark was smirking. His frustration (and blood pressure) increased as he realized he couldn't even storm off this time. He really hoped Zoe wouldn't find out about this; she already didn't respect his authority, and he could only imagine how she'd act if she found out her dad had been doll-sized and carried around like a Barbie the whole day.

This time when they reached Stark's office, a large, round area with glass on all sides that overlooked a workroom full of computer banks, Stark didn't set Jack down on the desk. Instead Jack found himself placed on Stark's shoulder like some tiny parrot. Strangely enough it wasn't hard for him to picture Stark as a cocky one-eyed sailor, a scourge and menace of the seven seas who rained on everyone else's parade. It was like Stark now, except with an eyepatch.

"Allison's going to come looking for me," Jack said matter-of-factly, clutching at Stark's earlobe so he didn't fall off.

"Allison's picking up your daughter, remember? She won't be back for a while."

"Then Henry will notice I'm gone. He'll come for me."

"Henry's busy too, trying to get you out of this mess; though honestly I don't see why he's bothering."

Jack bristled. "He's trying to help because he's my friend! Not that you'd know what that was like."

Jack meant it as a stupid insult, another barb in their constant (and essentially harmless) banter, but Stark's silence was heavy in a way that had Jack regretting saying anything.

"Look, I didn't mean it, okay?"

There was another beat of nothing, and Jack wondered if somehow, someway, he'd actually hurt Nathan Stark's feelings, when: "You are really gullible, did anyone ever tell you that?" And it was back, the sass and self-assurance that always drove Jack up the wall.

"I was just calling it like I see it--"

"Uh-huh. Which means you failed to notice how _friendly_ Allison and I are. But you've never given any indication that you were very observant, so I guess I can't fault you for that."

"Hey! I am damn observant, and I've noticed stuff you didn't before--!" His rebuttal was cut off when he found himself dangled in front of Stark's face again, the collar of his uniform uncomfortably tight against his throat. 

"Don't get your panties in a bunch." Stark tilted his head, mouth curving in a lopsided grin. "Has anyone told you that you look like a little angry turtle when you're pouting?"

"I am _not_ pouting!" 

"Mmm. Whatever you say, Sheriff."

Stark pulled something from his breast pocket then, something Jack hadn't seen when he'd been shoved in there earlier that day; it was roughly square and fit easily in Stark's palm; it looked almost like a garage remote. Jack stared at it blankly.

"You gonna erase my memory?"

Stark chuckled. "No. And only you would think this was the same device Jason Anderson used. The design is completely different." Jack wanted to say that it looked exactly the same and Stark must've been huffing some strong grass or something to think otherwise, but as usual Stark barreled right on through any comments Jack had to make; "But I can't say I'm surprised that you wouldn't recognize the very invention that would reverse your, ah, current condition."

Jack stared at the little remote in Stark's hand, his words slowly sinking into Jack's brain. It wasn't that he didn't understand what Stark was saying (okay, there was quite a bit he didn't understand, but he'd stopped putting effort into translating this jackass a long time ago), it was just that he couldn't believe it. There was no way Stark was serious. Not after all the trouble Allison and Henry had gone through. Not after all the frustration Jack himself had dealt with, being at this size, and he wasn't even lost in the front garden with giant ants chasing after him.

"If you're telling me you've had a growth ray thingy this whole time," Jack said slowly, "I'm gonna be really, really mad."

"Wow, that was quite a threat." Stark waved the remote in front of Jack's face. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Then why didn't you use it _before_! Allison and Henry wasted a whole day on that junk heap Crusher called a shrink ray! I knew you were a son of a bitch, Stark, but I didn't think you were this bad!"

"What can I say? I like you a lot better at this size." Stark shrugged and pointed the device at Jack; a blinding red light filled Jack's vision, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut, though spots of light still danced across his closed eyelids. He waited for another smart comment from Stark, another insult for their endless string of hostile interactions, but it never came. Instead he felt the weirdest sensation, almost as if he was stretching though he hadn't moved at all, and before he knew it he was himself again, everything its normal size and Stark only several inches taller than he instead of quite a few feet.

The only drawback, however, was that he'd ended up in Stark's lap.

"Oh, for crying out loud--!" 

"You don't have to yell anymore," Stark said with a grimace, sticking his pinky finger into one of his ears. "Not that that's ever stopped you before."

"You probably want me to thank you or something, but that's not happening," Jack shot back. He was perched on Stark's lap, practically straddling the guy, and though his brain screamed at him to jump off - maybe even 'accidentally' kicked the guy in the crotch while he was at it - Jack didn't move. 

"Usually that's what you do when someone saves your life." Stark smirked and, to Jack's complete and utter shock, reached around to pinch Jack's butt, earning a yelp of surprise. "You know I _could_ have left you in Animal Testing. They were running an interesting experiment on the effects of shock therapy on rodents."

"Thanks but no thanks." Jack finally pushed himself away, trying to get up, but was stopped by Stark's grip on his hip. Stark's fingers bit through the material of his sheriff's pants and while this whole situation was moving into an entirely uncomfortable and weird as hell territory for Jack there was a part of him that realized the touch felt kind of good. This same part of him also decided that Stark's fingers would feel just as good, maybe even better, in other places on Jack's person, and oh hell no he was not going to move any further down that train of thought.

"Really, I must insist," Stark was saying, and his eyes were on Jack's mouth, Jack realized, with a way smaller jolt of horror than he expected, and Stark's hand had somehow found its way to the nape of Jack's neck and Stark's face was getting a lot closer by the second and his brain was processing his next step much slower than he would like when he heard someone call "Carter!" and he, quite clumsily and with much swearing, fell right out of Stark's lap and landed with a _thud_ on the floor.

"Carter!" It turned out the voice belonged to Allison, who hurried up the stairs in the back of Stark's office to where Jack laid prone on the floor, partly due to the fact that he was still trying to process what the hell just happened. 

"Are you alright?" Allison continued. Jack groaned and gave a sheepish thumbs up.

"Oh, sure, I'm just dandy." 

"What happened? Did Henry--?"

"Yes, Henry came through, just like we thought." Stark stood up from his chair, brushing his fancy suit jacket off as though nothing had happened. Jack couldn't remember a moment when he'd hated the guy more. "Everything's back to normal, don't worry."

"Oh, thank God." Allison stood up, holding out a hand to help Jack to his feet; he tried not to concentrate too hard on the way her hand felt in his. Not that he could, really. His brain was still in a very confused fog. "Zoe's fine, she's home right now with S.A.R.A.H. I told her what was going on; everything's fine."

Jack groaned again. "You don't think you could've told her something else? Maybe that I got caught in one of those wormhole things or something?"

"You wanted Allison to _lie_ to your daughter? Sheriff, I'm shocked." Stark put a hand to his chest as though the idea physically pained him. Jack rolled his eyes.

"I didn't tell her exactly what happened, Carter, just that you'd been in a mild lab accident and wouldn't make it home in time," Allison said, her hand on Jack's arm. "I said it was nothing serious and you'd be home soon."

" _Thank_ you." He could still imagine the scene when he got home - S.A.R.A.H. going on and on, worried about what had happened (because Zoe would probably have said something, the girl was just as big a gossip as her mother) while Zoe made some point about him being the real irresponsible one in the family or stubbornly acting like she didn't care that he may have been hurt. Jack rubbed his temples, already preparing himself for the onslaught of female care he'd surely warrant as soon as he walked through the door of his smart house. 

Allison took him by the arm and led him out of the office, for which Jack was grateful. He could have walked out on his own but he liked her touch, and using her for support meant that if he wasn't completely recovered from whatever these science weirdos had done to him this time he hopefully wouldn't stumble and trip down the stairs and give Stark something else to laugh at him about. Still, his world trembled a little when he glanced back at Stark and the man grinned and winked at him, as though they now shared some kind of inside joke.

 _I will never_ , Jack thought as he let Allison take him through the halls of Massive Dynamic, _**ever** get used to this town._


End file.
